Bros Texting Bros

“had sex with a girl last night and picked up the cat when i was done and said, ‘now there’s two pussies in this room that i’ve owned’”

“the higher the dog, the sweeter the chill”

“THAT CUM COUCH HOLDS SECRETS YET TO BE UNLOCKED BY MAN”

“She’s straddling me on my floor playing with my nipples, I think she’s drunk.  Should we roll over?”

“Yo hope you had a good poop, I’m out walking.”

“I’m drunk, but I’m positive I can beat the fuck out of all the twinklords here.”

“I talked to a Charger.  And touched him.  And he laughed.  Like.  I don’t even know where my life is supposed to go from here.”

“See you there.  I’ll be the dude beating up minorities.”

“There is an Asian lady in a wheelchair eating a Cinnabon.  I don’t need this right now.”

“Just started walking to the bank with a beer in my hand.  My building manager saw me and asked what I was up to and then reminded me I shouldn’t have an open container.  I just think he was pissed I didn’t have one for him.”